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“Forget snakes on a plane lady – try 6-year-old twins on a plane and you can imagine my problem.” Such went my conversation recently with a pharmacist that couldn’t see the need for a sleep aid for two hyper-excited boys on their first trip to Africa. “Just trust their natural sleep rhythms”, she said cond
escendingly, with the confidence of one that is child-free (…and yes she was childless – I checked). Pffftt! Just gimme the drugs and make it industrial strength!!
The reality of travel is that it can rise and fall on the quality of your travel companions…and travel can bring out the worst in people! Luckily, twin A and twin B behaved beautifully, and charmed the metaphorical pants off the Emirates staff. But imagine the challenge of work as a flight attendant. I admire these travel professionals who must see it all, and maintain a sense of humour in the midst of a demanding job.
As an ode to these great people, check out these humorous in-flight announcement as posted on the travel site www.eyeflare.com:
“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. Whoa!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Chicago, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
From a Southwest Airlines employee: “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”
After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
“Last one off the plane must clean it.”
From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”
This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?”
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”
New Years Resolution #1: Plant a vegie garden
New Years Resolution #1: Plant a vegie garden
With over 1 million copies sold, you suspect that New York Times best-selling author Dr Kevin Leman may be on to something…and you’d be right.
